ALEX MICHAEL recaps The Bachelor: Unexpected stage-five clinger emerges

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ALEX MICHAEL recaps The Bachelor: Unexpected stage-five clinger emerges

 The Bachelor franchise has as an odd obsession with the 'stage-five clinger'. Every season has one.On Thursday, fiery mechanical engineer Roxi cla

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 The Bachelor franchise has as an odd obsession with the ‘stage-five clinger’. Every season has one.

On Thursday, fiery mechanical engineer Roxi claimed the mantle, breaking down in tears at the thought of Locky being on a date with ‘the other woman’.

Sorry to tell you Roxi, but there’s twenty ‘other women’, this is what you signed up for.   

Stage-five surprise! Meet your new stage-five clinger: Fiery Mechanical engineer Roxi. Nobody would have picked it

She broke down in tears upon learning that Locky had kissed 'another woman'. Sorry to tell you Roxi, but there's 20 'other woman' this is what you signed up for

The Bachelor franchise has as an odd obsession with the ‘stage-five clinger’. Every season has one – but nobody would have picked fiery mechanical engineer Roxy (left), who claimed the mantle on Thursday night

‘I can hear you’ 

The OG: The Bachelor franchise's obsession with the stage-five clinger traces back to a fateful night in 2017. Bachelorette finale night

The OG: The Bachelor franchise’s obsession with the stage-five clinger traces back to a fateful night in 2017. Bachelorette finale night

The Bachelor franchise’s obsession with the stage-five clinger traces back to a fateful night in 2017. Bachelorette finale night. 

The final rose ceremony had been filmed months ago but this was the night the nation would finally learn who would win the heart of Australian icon Sophie Monk.  

Picture two adjoining rooms at the Novotel Sydney Central. In one, Sophie was bonking the winner – billionaire publican Stu Laundy. 

It was a loud and passionate romp. Celebratory if you will.

The final rose ceremony had been filmed months ago but this was the night the nation would finally learn who would win the heart of Australian icon Sophie Monk

The final rose ceremony had been filmed months ago but this was the night the nation would finally learn who would win the heart of Australian icon Sophie Monk

In the other, heartbroken runner-up Jarrod Woodgate was lying on the floor in his underwear, his anxiety-triggered rosacea flaring up like never before.

He mustered the strength to pull out his phone and fire off a group text to Sophie and Stu. 

It was Coitus interruptus as their phones vibrated in unison. 

‘Really Stu? Do you have to check it now!?’ Sophie asked. ‘Who is it? What does it say?’

Picture two adjoining rooms at the Novotel Sydney Central (these pap pics from the night are the closest you're going to get)

In one, Sophie was bonking billionaire publican Stu Laundy. It was a loud and passionate romp

Picture two adjoining rooms at the Novotel Sydney Central (these pap pics from the night are the closest you’re going to get)  In one, Sophie was bonking billionaire publican Stu Laundy. It was a loud and passionate romp

In the other, heartbroken runner-up Jarrod Woodgate was lying on the floor in his underwear, his anxiety-triggered rosacea flaring up like never before. He mustered the strength to pull out his phone and fire off a group text to Sophie and Stu. Coitus interruptus as their phones vibrated in unison.

In the other, heartbroken runner-up Jarrod Woodgate was lying on the floor in his underwear, his anxiety-triggered rosacea flaring up like never before. He mustered the strength to pull out his phone and fire off a group text to Sophie and Stu. Coitus interruptus as their phones vibrated in unison.

‘It’s Jarrod’ said Stu, standing there stark naked, his face ghostly white. 

‘It says, “I can hear you”‘.    

Next thing you know, Jarrod’s hand came flying through the paper thin wall and nearly knocked Stu clean off his feet. 

Stu covered the repair costs for the wall (he’s rich after all) but no amount of money could repair Jarrod’s broken heart.

'Really Stu? Do you have to check it now!?' Sophie asked. 'Who is it? What does it say?' 'It's Jarrod' said Stu, standing there stark naked, his face ghostly white. 'It says, "I can hear you"'.

‘Really Stu? Do you have to check it now!?’ Sophie asked. ‘Who is it? What does it say?’ ‘It’s Jarrod’ said Stu, standing there stark naked, his face ghostly white. ‘It says, “I can hear you”‘.

Next thing you know, Jarrod's hand came flying through the paper thin walls, dropped the promise ring he'd bought for his beloved and retreated. Stu covered the repair costs for the wall but Jarrod's broken heart would never be mended

Next thing you know, Jarrod’s hand came flying through the paper thin walls, dropped the promise ring he’d bought for his beloved and retreated. Stu covered the repair costs for the wall but Jarrod’s broken heart would never be mended

Locky Loves Nicole 

Still with me? Good. Thursday's episode kicked off with professional dancer Nicole cashing in her 'triple-threat' rose, which entitled her to, you guessed it, three dates in one night

Still with me? Good. Thursday’s episode kicked off with professional dancer Nicole cashing in her ‘triple-threat’ rose, which entitled her to, you guessed it, three dates in one night

Still with me? Good.

Thursday’s episode kicked off with professional dancer Nicole cashing in her ‘triple-threat’ rose, which entitled her to, you guessed it, three dates in one night.

The first date was an intense bouldering session – because Nicole hates bouldering and Locky is the kind of guy who thinks that he alone can change that fact.  

He couldn’t. She was s**tting herself.

The first date was an intense bouldering session - because Nicole hates bouldering and Locky is the kind of guy who thinks that he alone can change that fact. He couldn't

The first date was an intense bouldering session – because Nicole hates bouldering and Locky is the kind of guy who thinks that he alone can change that fact. He couldn’t

The second date was a classic one-on-one couch session, where Locky was hoping to get to know the ‘real’ Nicole.

‘She’s always been the life of the party and I wanted to see the softer side of Nicole,’ he explained. 

He got the softer side and then some.

The second was a raunchy one-on-one couch session, where Locky was hoping to get to know the 'real' Nicole. He got it and then some.

The second was a raunchy one-on-one couch session, where Locky was hoping to get to know the ‘real’ Nicole. He got it and then some.

Nicole: ‘I’m extremely insecure. I dance to mask my pain. Nobody looks at the girl popping and locking in Jimmy Choos and a see-through dress and thinks “she’s depressed and lonely!”

Locky’s face went whiter than Stu’s. He desperately tried to change the subject.

Locky: ‘Umm, so how about this weather? Rain an’ that?’

He’s a man of few words. 

Nicole: 'I'm extremely insecure. I dance to mask my pain. Nobody looks at the girl popping and locking in Jimmy Choos and a see-through dress and thinks "she's depressed!" Locky's face went whiter than Stu Laundy's. He desperately tried to change the subject

Nicole: ‘I’m extremely insecure. I dance to mask my pain. Nobody looks at the girl popping and locking in Jimmy Choos and a see-through dress and thinks “she’s depressed!” Locky’s face went whiter than Stu Laundy’s. He desperately tried to change the subject

Despite the initial awkwardness, Nicole’s vulnerability paid off and they shared a long tender (tongue-less) pash.

‘I kinda saw her as a Roxi type before this,’ he explained to producers. 

‘Ya know, the bird I’m going to lead on for a few weeks because she’s hot as, very into me and I don’t need the ego boost but still want it.’

‘But after this, I see a future with Nicole. She could be the one.’

Despite the initial awkwardness, Nicole's vulnerability paid off and they shared a long tender (tongue-less) pash

Despite the initial awkwardness, Nicole’s vulnerability paid off and they shared a long tender (tongue-less) pash

Throw Roxi A Bone 

The next day, Roxi won a date with Locky after winning a boring gridiron challenge

The next day, Roxi won a date with Locky after winning a boring gridiron challenge

The next day, Roxi earned a date with Locky by winning a boring gridiron challenge.

Short of date ideas and not particularly fussed either way, Locky invited Roxi to join him on the same couch where he’d eye-banged Nicole the night before.

He poured her a beer and they talked about their favourite Pornhub scenes and search terms for about twenty minutes.

Roxi was getting handsy and Locky was loving it. 

‘Whoop, gotta go,’ Locky said soon after. ‘One of me mates is going to try and kick his own height and all the boys are gonna be there to watch him eat s**t!’

Short of date ideas and not particularly fussed either way, Locky invited Roxi to join him on the same couch he'd eye-banged Nicole on the night before. He poured her a beer and they talked about their favourite Pornhub scenes and search terms for about twenty minutes

Short of date ideas and not particularly fussed either way, Locky invited Roxi to join him on the same couch he’d eye-banged Nicole on the night before. He poured her a beer and they talked about their favourite Pornhub scenes and search terms for about twenty minutes

He had a quick word with producers on the way out.

‘Roxi is so hot. Physical connection is insane!’ he said.

‘She put her hand on me thigh at one point and I contemplated breaking the no-sex contract right then and there!’

‘I don’t know the first thing about her. Forgot to ask. But yeah, rest assured I’ll be sliding into her DMs in six months for a one-night-only scenario!’

'Roxi is so hot. Physical connection is insane. She put her hand on me thigh at one point and I contemplated breaking the no-sex contract right then and there,' he explained to producers

 ‘Roxi is so hot. Physical connection is insane. She put her hand on me thigh at one point and I contemplated breaking the no-sex contract right then and there,’ he explained to producers

'I don't know the first thing about her. Forgot to ask. But yeah, rest assured I'll be sliding into her DMs in six months for a one-night-only scenario!'

‘I don’t know the first thing about her. Forgot to ask. But yeah, rest assured I’ll be sliding into her DMs in six months for a one-night-only scenario!’

The Woodgate effect 

Roxi returned to the mansion with a rose in hand, grinning from ear-to-ear. 'Best date ever! He's the one!' she beamed, before noticing something was amiss. 'Wait a sec, where's Nicole?'

Roxi returned to the mansion with a rose in hand, grinning from ear-to-ear. ‘Best date ever! He’s the one!’ she beamed, before noticing something was amiss. ‘Wait a sec, where’s Nicole?’

Roxi returned to the mansion with a rose in hand, grinning from ear-to-ear.

‘Best date ever! He’s the one!’ she beamed, before noticing something was amiss.

‘Wait a sec, where’s Nicole?’

The girls explained that Nicole was on the third of her ‘triple threat rose’ dates with Locky.

The girls explained that Nicole was on the third of her 'triple threat rose' dates with Locky. He went straight from the couch to the 'Bachelor Pad' where Nicole was already waiting

The girls explained that Nicole was on the third of her ‘triple threat rose’ dates with Locky. He went straight from the couch to the ‘Bachelor Pad’ where Nicole was already waiting

The bloke hardly had time to change his shirt before rocking up at the ‘Bachelor Pad’ where Nicole was waiting. 

‘What the f**k? My Locky? My one and only? We just connected on an intergalactic level!’ cried Roxi.

‘We even shared Pornhub preferences!’

'What the f**k? My Locky? My one and only? We just connected on an intergalatic level!' cried Roxi. 'We even shared Pornhub preferences!'

‘What the f**k? My Locky? My one and only? We just connected on an intergalatic level!’ cried Roxi. ‘We even shared Pornhub preferences!’

Series villain Areeba loved what she was seeing and ducked off to gossip to the producers.

 Areeba: ‘LOL. Roxi is a stage-five? Who knew.’ She’s way too sensitive. I know Locky and I don’t think he’s looking for someone who isn’t all there… mentally.’

 ‘I don’t give a s**t about anyone so I’m finding this hilarious.’

Series villain Areeba (centre) loved what she was seeing and ducked off to gossip to the producers:

Series villain Areeba (centre) loved what she was seeing and ducked off to gossip to the producers:

Areeba: 'LOL. Roxi is a stage-five? Who knew.' She's way too sensitive. I know Locky and I don't think he's looking for someone who isn't all there... mentally'

Areeba: ‘LOL. Roxi is a stage-five? Who knew.’ She’s way too sensitive. I know Locky and I don’t think he’s looking for someone who isn’t all there… mentally’

The episode ended on a cocktail party cliffhanger as Roxi stormed out of the mansion.

It was played off like she’s going home but we all know she’s en route to The Bachelor Pad.

Let’s hope the walls are thicker than the Novotel. 

The episode ended on a cocktail party cliffhanger as Roxi stormed out of the mansion. Probably en route to the Bachelor Pad. Let's hope the walls are thicker than the Novotel

The episode ended on a cocktail party cliffhanger as Roxi stormed out of the mansion. Probably en route to the Bachelor Pad. Let’s hope the walls are thicker than the Novotel

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